Am I Standing Still?
by QueenofConnaught
Summary: A songfic set a month before 'Emporer Mage' Daine attends one of Numair's Classes at the university, comes to realize what she feels for her teacher, and wonders if he feels the same for her. (Pre-Romance) DN R


            Well, here it is, my first songfic. I never thought I'd write one, but life takes unexpected turns. It's a one shot deal, I just felt like writing it. It is not in any way related to _Far and Away, _but instead occurs with Daine and Numair, a month before "Emperor Mage". I have, for my purposes, made Numair teach, which I'm not sure is in the Immortals series, but it is mentioned later, so just go along with me here. This is about when Daine comes to terms with her feelings for her teacher, a kind of pre-romance.. The song is by Jewel, and the setting and characters belong to Tamora Pierce, but the plot is all mine. (literally) The song lyrics are in italics, and the plot may progress between the sections of the verses without saying so, but you'll probably be able to tell. Read the note I wrote at the end, and I hope you like it.

Here goes:

………………………………………………………………………………………………

**Am I Standing Still?**

            It was April the eleventh, a cool spring day that had not yet lost bitter bite of the winter. The year was 450 H.E., several months before the Tortallians would send a delegation to Carthak.  Daine Sarrasari had been invited to attend one of her teacher's animal anatomy classes at the university in Chorus.  Numair had been asked by Jonathan several weeks ago to teach these classes, since the professor had recently retired, and Numair would be familiar with the subject from his lessons with Daine. He taught these classes in addition to his magical theory classes, and continued his lessons with his student in the evening.   That day, however, Ouna had taken off work to visit her family, which left Daine free for the day.  She had decided to go to Numair's class because she had nothing better to do; and besides, she did not mind spending time with her tall friend. 

            "Today." he began as he entered the room, " We will be getting a close look at the anatomy of a cat. We will be doing this by dissecting one. At your table, you have…" 

His voice faded from Daine's thoughts as she realized what he was saying. The cats that they were…examining were, stillborn, dead before they even saw the light of day. She knew this shouldn't bother her, she had seen animals die before. For some reason though, Daine wanted nothing more at that moment then to leave that classroom. She would have, too, without further thought. 

If not for Numair.

This was his class, after all, and Daine had decided to attend it. He would surely think she did not have enough nerve to sit through this. So, she resolved, she would.

_Cutting through the darkest night,_

_With my two headlights,_

_Try to keep it clear, _

_But loosing it here,_

_To the twilight,_

_There's a dead end to the left,_

_There's a burning bush to my right,_

_You aren't in sight,_

_You aren't in sight_

It was more terrible then Daine had even imagined it would be.  Though Daine refused to even _touch_ the cat that her friend was busy cutting away at, simply watching it made her queasy. It was something about the way they smelled, cold and clammy. Within minutes of beginning, her vision had become strangely grainy, and everything around her seemed to echo strangely. She must have swayed on the spot, for Numair came around to her table, and turned to her, with concern in his eyes.  

" Are you all right?" he asked her quietly, leaning down, under the pretence of seeing how her group's cat was coming. "You look rather pale."

" I'm fine." Daine responded, not sure where those words came from. In truth, she was anything but fine. She wondered why she was lying to Numair. She did not want him to know she felt sick, for, after all, he wasn't unnerved by it. He treated it like any other one of his experiments, but then again, he did not have a bond with animals like Daine did. He would understand then, if she told him she wanted to leave, she was sure of it.

It was something else then, besides the desire not to disappoint her teacher, that kept Daine silent. 

_Do you want me? _

_Like I want you?_

_Or am I standing still? _

_Beneath a darkening sky,_

_Am I standing still?_

_With the scenery flying by,_

_Or am I standing still?_

_With the scenery flying by_

_Or am I standing still?_

_Out of the corner of my eye,_

_Was that you, passing me by?_

By this time, Daine could no longer tell what was going on. Her vision was growing dark, her knees were weak, and her head was swimming, light, and leaving her body behind. She registered dimly that she must get out of there now, or she would faint Which, would be the worst possible thing to do in front of Numair, said that new voice within her mind that seemed to care what he thought of her. Walking over to him, Daine cleared her throat, and he turned to see her. 

" I need to use the privy." she said, looking down so he would not see the embarrassment on her face.

"Are you _sure_ you're all right?" her teacher asked, looking worried now. She nodded, and hurried out of the room before he could say more.

When she reached the hallway outside, Daine stumbled over to the steps and sat down, putting her head between her knees to hold off the faint. She took several deep breaths, her lungs greedily gulping in fresh air, her head in her clammy hands. She felt like a fool, having to leave class like that. Numair would surely think…Why did she care so much about what he thought? Daine did not know the answer to that question. She sighed, life was suddenly more complicated then it should be. Her vision had cleared by now, and Daine got ready to get up and go back in.

It was then that she heard the light, pleasant male voice from above the closed fingers over her eyes.

"You're _not_ all right, are you?"

_Mothers in the stoop,_

_Boys in the souped up coups,_

_On this hot summer night,_

_Between fight and flight,_

_Is the blind man's sight,_

_And the choice that's right,_

_I roll the window down_

_Feel like I'm gonna drown,_

_In this strange town,_

_Feel broken down, _

_I feel broken down_

She slowly lifted her face, now burning hot with embarrassment, to see Numair, standing over her. He had a quite different look on his face then she had ever seen there before. There was concern, as there had been before, but there was something else. Something like…Diane quickly brushed the thought away; it couldn't be true…but of all the other pupils in the class, he had left the rest to come and see her…but it couldn't be true.

"I'm fine." she muttered, standing up and making as to turn and walk through the door, but as Daine lifted her face and looked up at Numair, something in his dark eyes held her back.

_Do you need me? _

_Like I need you?_

_Or am I standing still? _

_Beneath a darkening sky,_

_Am I standing still?_

_With the scenery flying by,_

_Or am I standing still?_

_With the scenery flying by_

_Or am I standing still?_

_Out of the corner of my eye,_

_Was that you, passing me by?_

Why did she care so much what her _teacher_ thought of her? He was, after all, just that, her teacher, and nothing more.

Or was he something more?

He took a step toward her, and reached out a hand, grasping her shoulder gently. Looking up into his fathomless eyes, Daine felt dizzier then before, but this time for a different reason.

"You know," Numair said softly. He had lost all of his professional composure by now, and when he spoke to Daine it was as he never had before. Not as a teacher, not as friend, not even as a companion. "You don't have to be a hero here. You can leave right now, and _no one,_" he placed a careful emphasis on the word. "Will think any the less of you."

And from the look in his eyes, Daine knew he meant it.

_Do you love me? _

_Like I love you?_

_Or am I standing still? _

_Beneath a darkening sky,_

_Am I standing still?_

_With the scenery flying by,_

_Or am I standing still?_

_With the scenery flying by_

_Or am I standing still?_

_Out of the corner of my eye,_

_Was that you, passing me by?_

It was one of those times in life when words are not needed. Daine was so touched by his honesty and understanding that she was speechless. So instead of giving her teacher a long-winded explanation that he would surely se right through, she simply smiled, and from the way he smiled back, she knew Numair knew what she meant. He turned and opened the door for her, and when Daine walked back into the classroom, she no longer felt as sick. She felt uncomfortable, perhaps, but…somehow better.  Several minutes later, when the class ended, the class filed out, and Daine met her friend Miri at the door. 

"Wasn't that _horrible_?" she chatted away, putting an arm around Daine's shoulders, and leading her friend toward the door. "My partner was being really disgusting…So, why did you leave like that, and come back with Master Salmalín?" she gave Daine a knowing smile, and the older girl felt her face go red. Part of Daine wanted to blurt it out a thousand times, to everyone and anyone, while another wanted to take the secret to her grave…

_Do you want me,_

_Like I want you,_

_Do you need me,_

_Like I need you,_

_Do you love me, _

_Like I love you…_

As Daine crossed through the doorway, she turned for one last look at Numair, just in case…and saw that he was busy cleaning up the room. In a fraction of a second when he looked up and saw his student, Daine glimpsed a glint of _something_ in his eyes, and at the same time, she had a thought. A far fetched, ill devised, unlikely thought that came seemingly form nowhere, and was for gotten even as it occurred to Daine, not to be remembered for a long time. Those three, impossible words, inconceivable to her at the time, were lost, if only for a little while. But in that fraction of a second when her teacher's eyes met hers, Daine had  another thought, one she would _never_ forget, but simply brush aside to ponder later. In that moment when his eyes held hers, Numair gave Daine what was unmistakably a nod, and perhaps the shadow of a wink.

Was that you, passing me by? 

_Or am I standing still?_

And that thought echoed throughout her mind, impossible as it may seem, but at that moment, Daine knew it to be true.

"I am not alone."

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So, did you like it? It turned out better then I had expected it would. Was it really weird, or bad, or strange? The three words… did you get that part? And the last line refers to her love for him, if you didn't get that either, I can sometimes be a bit confusing. Tell me in you're review, and I'll probably update _Far and Away _sometime on Saturday, I got grounded, and couldn't do it earlier…so review, review, review…

-Queen of Connaught


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